I know you

Yeah, I do blogs now, I'm THAT cool.

Nah not really, this isn't a proper blog.

I was going through my Gmail, and came across an Email from a while ago. Someone (you know who you are) had sent me a poem they'd read to me once. I forget who wrote it now, and I have no note of it in the email. But I felt the need to share it.

It really is quite odd reading it. It kinda makes me realise how little my mindset has changed over the years.

I'd always thought I'd matured so much and let go of all the shit from my younger years, but I guess that's not true, I guess it stayed with you and you just push it to the back.

Is it wrong that the words in the poem should still hit so strong? Maybe it's because it still applies in many ways. Sure I'm taking steps to change my life, but really I'm still where I was this time last year, this time 3 years ago, this time 5 years ago.

Anyway I've gone on longer than I meant to. So as promised here is that awesome poem, enjoy.

I know you.

I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth

You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation

The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself

Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet

Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?

Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time

Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived

Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home

I know you

You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you

They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive

You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well

You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens

Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centred

But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection

Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up

For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you

Funsies

It's been a fun week, despite the fact that once again I didn't do anything particularly substantial. I hardly worked at all, it's been dead so my boss let me go early a couple of times.

Went out for dinner and drinks with everyone from the shop. First time I've been out drinking and such in a long long time. I had a bloody great time, even if I did pay for it on Saturday by feeling fairly shit the whole day. My recent reclusiveness had made me think perhaps my social skills would have somehow just disappeared, apparently not though hehe. I apparently agreed to go out again next week, I really hate forgetting stuff from drinking I'm always really scared I've done something really shitty or embarassing.

Anywho I'm still feeling shitty about the fact I probably won't be able to buy christmas presents for my mum and little sis. I've been trying to think of a way I could get the money without asking my mum, but I dunno, I can't think of anyone else to ask. Fucking bank, if they had just sorted my account like they should have I could have been payed already and have stuff.

I woke up today at the lovely hour of 3PM, love that. As usual I got some tea and weetabix (woop!) and sat at the computer to check the usual stuff, YouTube, emails all that bollocks. I don't think I've smiled so much that soon after getting up. First thing that made me smile was my good friend Leila telling me her TIME article was out. I'm so happy for her, such a cool thing, and if anyone deserves some recognition for their stuff on YouTube it's Leila. So then I went onto YouTube to catch up with the new videos, the first of which was DaleATL2s video about the birth of his daughter. I don't know why but it just made me smile, and she was soooooo cute I just couldn't help but do an out loud 'awww'. Then came YourTubeNews' video in response to Dale, it was absolutely hilarious, and even featured another my good YouTube friends, Kimberleigh. I was smiling for ages, twas great.

I've decided that my 30th video I've been 'working on' (I've done very little really) will either just get put on hold or get put up when it's done. I've not made any new vids because of it, but I've got a couple of responses I'm gonna record tonight. It's been nearly a week since my last video, and in Internet land that's a fucking long time. I'm still trying to stay well away from vlogs, responses like the ones I'm going to do tonight I don't count as vlogs. The way I see it, if there's anything vlog like I need to say, I'll just write it here, that's much easier for me.

Anyway enough rambling. To anyone who is silly enough to read this, I wish you a merry christmas.

Me consistent? Nevers

Yeah, so I suck at updating, yay. Probably cause I have bugger all to say at the mo. Not alot changed or happening at the mo. Same old boring stuff. Work is cool, some fun people, and it fills some time that would otherwise be spent doing not a whole lot.

Phoned the bank, looks like they never actually processed my details, so I've been waiting on fuck all, funsies. They are meant to be phoning back, but I'm leaving for work soon, so unless they phone while I'm typing this, I probs won't find out anything till tomorrow at least.

YouTube people are fricking awesome. I had planned on not going to bed late last night, but thanks to all my lovely YouTube friends and Stickam, I was up till half 6 in the morning. I am fucking knackered. I can go on very little sleep, but 6 hours still hits me. It's all good though, twas worth it, had a proper good geek-out last night, I do love geeking out haha. All the YouTube guys I usually talk to are so much fun, I do wonder what I did a couple of months ago when I didn't have stickam to fill time. So to any of you YouTube peeps that have stumbled upon this blog, hallo *wave* you are awesomes!

Yeah, I don't have alot else to say. I've been in a lazy mood lately, I wanted to blog last night and also start editing my big 30th video, but I just couldn't be arsed and went for the far easier option of Stickam. I am gonna try and update this more, I'll just need to think of what I can write, cause I'm not interested in just writing 'today I went to work, it was coo, I came home, had dinner, it was coo' cause I wouldn't read that, and I want to be able to come back and read this.

That's all for now, I honestly don't know who I'm talking to, but hey, it's nice to pretend.

Toodles.

Overwhelmed

Today has been...a day. I do not know quite how to explain what today has been, because quite frankly I'm not too sure myself. I do know a few things about it, my strange, unexpected and inexplicable happiness of the last month or so has come to an end. I don't feel like myself, this was even strangely personified when I looked at myself in the mirror and actually didn't seem to recognise myself. It sounds ludicrous but it happened. I looked, knowing I was seeing myself, but had an odd feeling of unknowing.

Today has been a cascade of emotion, of feeling and it has been overwhelming at times. Why? I suspect I will never know, I have felt lower than I do today, but never quite as overwhelmed and emotional. I am not sure if it's related, but I have also had an extended period of feeling very lucid. By that I mean being hyper aware of everything and I do mean everything. Every sound, every touch, every sight. Every. Thing. It further added to my feeling of being overwhelmed, or perhaps was part of it, I don't know. But every thing I have done since the feeling began has seemed far more important than I know it to be, simple acts sudden feel too much to handle, I had to take a moment, I was leaving a room, I put my hand out to push down the handle, but I stopped, somehow I felt I had to prepare myself for going through the door. I simply leaned against the door and stood there almost coming to tears. Even then it seemed strange, yet somehow worthy, I don't know.

I wish I knew what has brought all this on, I don't know if it would help. I just wish I knew. I feel like crying, alot. I hold back the tears, I think there should always be a reason for tears, however small or seemingly insignificant. I would take any reason at this point, but no reason at all isn't mem and I'm struggling to feel like me.

My mind tells me this will pass, perhaps in a hour, a day, maybe longer, but it tells me it will pass. The emotion of it all tells me otherwise, it would have me believe this feeling, or these feelings, whatever it all is, is here to stay. The logical part of me knows that the former is true, the emotional part of me knows that the latter is true. Which to believe?

I don't think there's anything else I can say on this, I'm writing this all partly to see if it helps any to vent it and also partly to look back on at some point. Perhaps I will have some insight then.

The Non Awaited Return

Well, I certainly let this blog fall to the wayside, I had grand plans to post at least once a week. But as I'd always thought, I really didn't feel motivated, and also didn't have alot to talk about.

Things have changed, not much, but enough to motivate me. I don't care if no one but me sees this, as it's a great little tool to empty my head, it's odd how many things go through your head on a day, that you don't think are worth sharing. I think this blog is going to be a combination of those thoughts, and a semi document of events in my life, as mundane or seemingly insignificant as they may be.

Recent changes, or perhaps just change, I have a job, working in a shop. I really never wanted this sort of job, perhaps naively I expected myself to go onto great things right away, or at least something I little more 'important'. Six months of not even a job interview certainly shows you a thing or two. So here I am, part time job, still nothing else to do. Well I may now argue with that last point.

The last few weeks (perhaps even over a month, time is so warped in my head of late) have seen some drastic changes in my mind set. I was telling one friend of how for the last while, despite the fact nothing has changed all that much (this was even before the job), I was feeling very very happy. It was/is a strange sensation, happiness for no reason, I wasn't aware it could really happen. It's dipped once or twice, but this was more down to others being down or bringing me down than my own doing as it once was. I felt I should question it, but then I was scared if I questioned it, that it may falter. I've tried to figure out the reason for this strange and sudden feeling, but as yet I am still unaware, I am quite thankful for it though.

YouTube, it's become more than I ever thought or intended it to be. It has introduced me to people I never could have imagined meeting, wonderful and amazing people. To think I very nearly didn't post any videos, oh how different things could've been. I have made more than a few friends I hope to keep for years to come, and perhaps even one day meet in person. I at first thought it odd that I had become such fast friends with some, but really I shouldn't have, talking for hours and hours a day is the explanation for that. You don't usually get to do that with new people you meet.

My nights are now filled with MSN and Stickam chats with these great people, it probably should be tedious by now, but it really isn't. I do feel guilt that I've slightly neglected some friends by chatting with these new ones, but I have tried my best to rectify this lately.

Which brings me to the next bit of news, writing. I have actually started pushing myself to do it. Even managing to get my friend and writing partner to do the same. It's a large undertaking, but I am at least motivated now, I'm not sure why, but I am. The idea of creating something now fills me with a strange feeling of wonder and happiness, and I like it. I hope it remains, because I want it to be one of the constants in my life from now on.

This blog too, is part of my renewed motivation to write. Fiction and non-fiction are just as much fun for me, and just doing this now is alot more enjoyable than one might expect. I suddenly feel I'm being overly formal, but then again, this is what I want to write and how I want to write it, so why should I even care?

Well I think that'll do for now, I shall now laze about for a half hour before work. Maybe even write another entry tonight, who knows. Even if I don't get one in tonight, I will get one sooner than the last, which was many months ago.

What to say, what to say.

As the title suggest I really am not sure what to say in this blog, I just felt I should write a new entry.

I have the idea of writing an article about my favourite games series, Broken Sword, but I'm not sure what the subject of said article will include so I don't think I can start that just yet.

So if not a Broken Sword article, then what? That is the question that drives.....well me, at least for the next 20 minutes or so.

I am in a weird place these days where I am bored out of my skull, so I really want to hurry up and get a job, but really the prospect scares the shit out of me, my first proper job, that's huge.

My first step toward this will be getting my own bank account, and even that is scaring me a bit. Growing up has always been one of the big fears in my life, I really don't cope well with responsibility, well that's a bit of a lie, because I do ok with it. It is more the anticipation of it that scares me.

You know, even if no one reads these blogs, it is a really good way of just getting your thoughts down, I'm really enjoying that aspect of it. It's kinda like an online diary, just that anyone can see it, not as if diaries actually have to be kept private anyway.

So that's my random thoughts out of the way, so what to write about next?

I wonder, I wonder, right well maybe I will share my thoughts on Broken Sword. Be warned though, I have no idea what the general theme of this is going to be about so I may go off on one a bit.

Right, Broken Sword 4, Angel Of Death, I'd just like to say that I am most definetly looking forward to it. It's no secret that Broken Sword 3 had its faults, but despite those it was still a far more enjoyable game that alot of other games I've played in recent years. It still had that Broken Sword charm and wit, and now in shiny 3D to boot.

Now I am in no way a graphics whore, sure I am impressed by good graphics, but I wouldn't buy a game because of it, unless it had the gameplay and story to go with it. Graphics are just one part of a game, sometimes they are a very crucial part of the game, sometimes they aren't, I think in Broken Swords case if the graphics aren't spectacular then it wouldn't matter as much, because when it comes down to it I love Broken Sword because of the story and the characters. The two 2D Broken Swords had flawless graphics it's true, and while locations did seem quite empty, the style and detail of Broken Sword 3 was good enough to warrant the leap to 3D, even if some of the gameplay elements weren't.

I get the feeling I may have slightly contradicted myself just then, but oh well. Now with Broken Sword 4, Revolution (and Sumo Digital) are taking into account the aspects that were wrong with Broken Sword 3 and making sure they are sorted. So what will this mean? That Broken Sword 4 will return to having the same level of gameplay as the story, as it did has in BS 1 & 2? I for one hope so, because the story and characters in Broken Sword 3 were the main thing that kept me loyal to the series, the gameplay was playable, and often enjoyable, but it hadn't been tweaked enough, and too many crate puzzles made the game drag on more than it should've.

I don't think I've said anything relatively new there, but I thought I'd get it off my chest anyway.

Well we all know what was wrong with Broken Sword 3, so how about I talk about why despite its flaws it was still a really enjoyable game. First of all we have a classic and well written story. A story that just like the first two games, takes existing mythology and brings it to life in a very compelling and interesting way. It even managed to bring back elements from the still best game in the series, Shadow Of The Templars. The story had some great twists and turns, some heart warming moments, some tragic ones, some heroic ones and as usual some very funny ones.

A great story wouldn't be anything if it weren't for great characters, and as usual The Sleeping Dragon has them in bucket loads, all our old favourites are here, George and Nico of course, Lobineau and a few other old favourites. However we also have some new characters, in the form of the games antagonists Petra and Susarro. Broken Sword 3 did a good job of introducing these characters and not only making them mysterious but believable are opponents. That's not as easy as it sounds either. Once again the voice acting behind these characters is top notch, and it makes you wonder why other games can't get voice actors as good? I mean this game didn't have the biggest budget but managed to get great voice actors, while some games have stupidely high budgets and have crap voice acting? How does that work then?

I have slightly lost my train of thought, so I think I will come back to this later. So I guess it's bye for now.

The Wonder Of The Blog

I started this as just a way to get down my thoughts, share random things that people may or may not read. Only a day or two later and already it has produced results I hadn't expected. I showed my friend this blog, just to see what he thought. He reads it and this sparks a good couple of hours of discussion on a writing project between us. We have both expressed our ambition of writing to each other before, but we had never really gone into deep discussion about it, but my blog caused both myself and my friend to begin discussing these ideas with each other in ways we hadn't before.

Will this lead to that much sought after story I am hoping to write? Who knows, but it is certainly a nice path to go down, one which I hope will be both challenging and entertaining for all involved.

It's amazing how busy you can feel when you don't do much all day. Just chatting on MSN is something I seem to set time for in my head, same with watching a DVD or TV, it's a strange way to think, one I hope to rid myself off when my life actually picks up. First rejection letter from a job the other day, bit disappointing, but didn't get me down, which surprisingly surprised me.

That last paragraph at nothing to do with the one before it I know but I don't care :P I just felt like rambling a bit. I think I might do a review or two sometime next week, of what I don't know but I don't think I'll go for something recent, I feel like reviewing Die Hard which I just watched today, or something similar.

This weekend however is going to be focused on sharing ideas with my friend Piers in regards to this story we are both now set to work on, there's also the small matter of my Dad coming back after 2 months away, no doubt to tell me to get off my lazy arse, but hey that's life folks.

I think i'll end with a little thought about music, I am rarely without it, even if I myself havent chosen it. If the game i am playing doesn't have music all the time or there isn't anything on TV I want to be background noise to my chatting online, then music fills the void. I find myself disliking silence, even when I go to bed I have the TV on, silence makes me think, and thinking means I can't get to sleep. But when online or just sitting playing a fairly quiet video game I find myself feeling odd, and music rids me of that. Don't know where that thought came from but it popped into my head so I thought I'd type it out, and that's what I created this for so that's what it will be used for :D