Today has been...a day. I do not know quite how to explain what today has been, because quite frankly I'm not too sure myself. I do know a few things about it, my strange, unexpected and inexplicable happiness of the last month or so has come to an end. I don't feel like myself, this was even strangely personified when I looked at myself in the mirror and actually didn't seem to recognise myself. It sounds ludicrous but it happened. I looked, knowing I was seeing myself, but had an odd feeling of unknowing.
Today has been a cascade of emotion, of feeling and it has been overwhelming at times. Why? I suspect I will never know, I have felt lower than I do today, but never quite as overwhelmed and emotional. I am not sure if it's related, but I have also had an extended period of feeling very lucid. By that I mean being hyper aware of everything and I do mean everything. Every sound, every touch, every sight. Every. Thing. It further added to my feeling of being overwhelmed, or perhaps was part of it, I don't know. But every thing I have done since the feeling began has seemed far more important than I know it to be, simple acts sudden feel too much to handle, I had to take a moment, I was leaving a room, I put my hand out to push down the handle, but I stopped, somehow I felt I had to prepare myself for going through the door. I simply leaned against the door and stood there almost coming to tears. Even then it seemed strange, yet somehow worthy, I don't know.
I wish I knew what has brought all this on, I don't know if it would help. I just wish I knew. I feel like crying, alot. I hold back the tears, I think there should always be a reason for tears, however small or seemingly insignificant. I would take any reason at this point, but no reason at all isn't mem and I'm struggling to feel like me.
My mind tells me this will pass, perhaps in a hour, a day, maybe longer, but it tells me it will pass. The emotion of it all tells me otherwise, it would have me believe this feeling, or these feelings, whatever it all is, is here to stay. The logical part of me knows that the former is true, the emotional part of me knows that the latter is true. Which to believe?
I don't think there's anything else I can say on this, I'm writing this all partly to see if it helps any to vent it and also partly to look back on at some point. Perhaps I will have some insight then.
Sunday 26 November 2006
Thursday 23 November 2006
The Non Awaited Return
Well, I certainly let this blog fall to the wayside, I had grand plans to post at least once a week. But as I'd always thought, I really didn't feel motivated, and also didn't have alot to talk about.
Things have changed, not much, but enough to motivate me. I don't care if no one but me sees this, as it's a great little tool to empty my head, it's odd how many things go through your head on a day, that you don't think are worth sharing. I think this blog is going to be a combination of those thoughts, and a semi document of events in my life, as mundane or seemingly insignificant as they may be.
Recent changes, or perhaps just change, I have a job, working in a shop. I really never wanted this sort of job, perhaps naively I expected myself to go onto great things right away, or at least something I little more 'important'. Six months of not even a job interview certainly shows you a thing or two. So here I am, part time job, still nothing else to do. Well I may now argue with that last point.
The last few weeks (perhaps even over a month, time is so warped in my head of late) have seen some drastic changes in my mind set. I was telling one friend of how for the last while, despite the fact nothing has changed all that much (this was even before the job), I was feeling very very happy. It was/is a strange sensation, happiness for no reason, I wasn't aware it could really happen. It's dipped once or twice, but this was more down to others being down or bringing me down than my own doing as it once was. I felt I should question it, but then I was scared if I questioned it, that it may falter. I've tried to figure out the reason for this strange and sudden feeling, but as yet I am still unaware, I am quite thankful for it though.
YouTube, it's become more than I ever thought or intended it to be. It has introduced me to people I never could have imagined meeting, wonderful and amazing people. To think I very nearly didn't post any videos, oh how different things could've been. I have made more than a few friends I hope to keep for years to come, and perhaps even one day meet in person. I at first thought it odd that I had become such fast friends with some, but really I shouldn't have, talking for hours and hours a day is the explanation for that. You don't usually get to do that with new people you meet.
My nights are now filled with MSN and Stickam chats with these great people, it probably should be tedious by now, but it really isn't. I do feel guilt that I've slightly neglected some friends by chatting with these new ones, but I have tried my best to rectify this lately.
Which brings me to the next bit of news, writing. I have actually started pushing myself to do it. Even managing to get my friend and writing partner to do the same. It's a large undertaking, but I am at least motivated now, I'm not sure why, but I am. The idea of creating something now fills me with a strange feeling of wonder and happiness, and I like it. I hope it remains, because I want it to be one of the constants in my life from now on.
This blog too, is part of my renewed motivation to write. Fiction and non-fiction are just as much fun for me, and just doing this now is alot more enjoyable than one might expect. I suddenly feel I'm being overly formal, but then again, this is what I want to write and how I want to write it, so why should I even care?
Well I think that'll do for now, I shall now laze about for a half hour before work. Maybe even write another entry tonight, who knows. Even if I don't get one in tonight, I will get one sooner than the last, which was many months ago.
Things have changed, not much, but enough to motivate me. I don't care if no one but me sees this, as it's a great little tool to empty my head, it's odd how many things go through your head on a day, that you don't think are worth sharing. I think this blog is going to be a combination of those thoughts, and a semi document of events in my life, as mundane or seemingly insignificant as they may be.
Recent changes, or perhaps just change, I have a job, working in a shop. I really never wanted this sort of job, perhaps naively I expected myself to go onto great things right away, or at least something I little more 'important'. Six months of not even a job interview certainly shows you a thing or two. So here I am, part time job, still nothing else to do. Well I may now argue with that last point.
The last few weeks (perhaps even over a month, time is so warped in my head of late) have seen some drastic changes in my mind set. I was telling one friend of how for the last while, despite the fact nothing has changed all that much (this was even before the job), I was feeling very very happy. It was/is a strange sensation, happiness for no reason, I wasn't aware it could really happen. It's dipped once or twice, but this was more down to others being down or bringing me down than my own doing as it once was. I felt I should question it, but then I was scared if I questioned it, that it may falter. I've tried to figure out the reason for this strange and sudden feeling, but as yet I am still unaware, I am quite thankful for it though.
YouTube, it's become more than I ever thought or intended it to be. It has introduced me to people I never could have imagined meeting, wonderful and amazing people. To think I very nearly didn't post any videos, oh how different things could've been. I have made more than a few friends I hope to keep for years to come, and perhaps even one day meet in person. I at first thought it odd that I had become such fast friends with some, but really I shouldn't have, talking for hours and hours a day is the explanation for that. You don't usually get to do that with new people you meet.
My nights are now filled with MSN and Stickam chats with these great people, it probably should be tedious by now, but it really isn't. I do feel guilt that I've slightly neglected some friends by chatting with these new ones, but I have tried my best to rectify this lately.
Which brings me to the next bit of news, writing. I have actually started pushing myself to do it. Even managing to get my friend and writing partner to do the same. It's a large undertaking, but I am at least motivated now, I'm not sure why, but I am. The idea of creating something now fills me with a strange feeling of wonder and happiness, and I like it. I hope it remains, because I want it to be one of the constants in my life from now on.
This blog too, is part of my renewed motivation to write. Fiction and non-fiction are just as much fun for me, and just doing this now is alot more enjoyable than one might expect. I suddenly feel I'm being overly formal, but then again, this is what I want to write and how I want to write it, so why should I even care?
Well I think that'll do for now, I shall now laze about for a half hour before work. Maybe even write another entry tonight, who knows. Even if I don't get one in tonight, I will get one sooner than the last, which was many months ago.
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